We all carry a story within us — stories shaped by the families, environments, and experiences that have molded us. For some, that story is filled with love, encouragement, and warmth. But for others, like me, it’s one marked by tension, criticism, and defensiveness.
I grew up in a household where arguments were a regular occurrence, and voices often rose in anger or frustration. In these moments, words became weapons — hurled with sharpness, whether consciously or not. Insults, criticism, and defensiveness became the language we spoke. Instead of feeling safe or supported, I lived in a constant state of alert, as if walking on eggshells, always bracing myself for the next emotional storm.
And over time, that environment became my normal. I began to internalize the belief that love and connection were conditional, that I had to defend myself to be heard, and that criticism was a natural part of every relationship. It deeply affected my mental health, fueling feelings of anxiety and depression.
These emotions, rooted in my childhood experiences, influenced my relationships, my sense of self, and the way I navigated the world. They shaped my thoughts, relationships, and behavior in ways I didn’t even fully understand.
But what I’ve learned in recent years — and what I want to share with you — is that this kind of programming, though deeply ingrained, is not permanent. It’s possible to transform this pain into growth, to turn defensive patterns into emotional resilience, and to rewire your brain for a life filled with positivity, confidence, and peace.
As a child, I learned to shield myself emotionally. I developed an automatic reaction to defend myself at all costs, even if it meant attacking back or shutting down completely. And this became the framework I used for navigating the world. I grew up believing that love and connection were fragile, easily disrupted by conflict, and that vulnerability was a weakness. I feared being criticized, rejected, or misunderstood — and I internalized those fears in ways that affected my relationships and my sense of self.
But like many of us, I didn’t realize how much that childhood environment influenced the way I saw the world until I was an adult, trying to navigate my own life, relationships, and career. And that’s where the real work began.
What if I told you that the way your brain was wired as a child doesn’t have to dictate the way you live as an adult?
That the neural patterns created by childhood programming — whether through criticism, defensiveness, or emotional turmoil — can be rewired, reshaped, and transformed? This is where neuroplasticity comes in.
Neuroplasticity refers to the brain’s ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections in response to learning, experience, or injury. In other words, the brain is not a fixed, unchangeable organ — it is dynamic and adaptable, constantly reconfiguring itself based on the experiences and thoughts we engage with. This means that the patterns of thought, behavior, and even emotional reactions that were formed in childhood can be transformed. It’s not an instant process, but it is a deeply empowering one.
If we consciously engage in practices that challenge old, limiting patterns — like replacing defensiveness with openness, or criticism with self-compassion — we can literally rewire our brains to think and behave differently.
It was this understanding that gave me hope. I realized that the defensive, critical patterns I had grown up with weren’t set in stone. Through neuroplasticity, I could create new, healthier neural pathways that aligned with my true potential.
The idea that I could change my thinking and behaving was both empowering and daunting.
How do you shift from decades of defensive thinking, criticism, and emotional pain to a mindset grounded in self-love, peace, and emotional resilience?
It wasn’t easy, and it certainly didn’t happen overnight. But with a combination of intentional practices and patience, I started to rewire my brain and change my life.
The first step in my transformation was acknowledging the truth: the critical and defensive patterns I grew up with were hurting me, not helping me. For a long time, I didn’t realize how much I had internalized this environment. I thought it was normal to feel triggered by even minor conflicts, or to immediately shut down when someone raised their voice. But once I recognized how deeply these patterns were affecting my relationships and mental health, I began to understand that I had to make a change.
I also started to identify the underlying fears that led to my defensiveness — the fear of being judged, unworthy, or rejected. By recognizing those fears, I could begin to replace them with affirmations of self-compassion, like “I am enough as I am,” or “I can handle this without retreating into old patterns.”
One of the hardest things to do was unlearn the constant criticism I had been raised with. For years, I had been my own harshest critic, believing that any mistake, no matter how small, was a reflection of my worth. Through therapy and self-compassion practices, I began to recognize how damaging this was. I learned to replace self-criticism with kindness and understanding. Instead of punishing myself for not being perfect, I learned to say, “It’s okay to make mistakes. I am perfectly imperfect. I am enough”.
I realized that true strength came from vulnerability, not from pushing back or shutting down.
I also turned to mindfulness to heal and rewire my emotional responses. Through mindfulness meditation, I was able to observe my thoughts and emotions without immediately reacting to them. I learned to sit with discomfort, without the urge to protect myself from it. By acknowledging my emotions instead of suppressing them, I was able to process and release them in healthier ways.
Fast forward to today, and I can honestly say that my life is radically different. I no longer feel that my value is dependent on constant defense or perfection. My relationships are deeper, my work more fulfilling, and I feel at peace within myself. The defensive, critical patterns that once ruled my interactions have given way to a more compassionate, balanced approach to life. I can approach conflict with openness, rather than fear. I no longer react with anger or shut down when faced with criticism — I respond thoughtfully and calmly.
Neuroplasticity shows us that our brains are not static. With intention and effort, we can rewire our neural pathways, break free from old patterns, and create new ways of thinking and being.
The past may have shaped you, but it doesn’t have to define you!
Sue Morrison
REGISTERED PSYCHOTHERAPIST q,
CERTIFIED ADDICTION COUNSELLOR
White Brick Therapy
289.207.0554
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