Infidelity. Just saying the word makes you cringe, right? It’s one of those things that everyone hopes they never have to deal with, but many do. And when it happens, it can feel like the whole foundation of your relationship just crumbled beneath your feet. The trust, the intimacy, the future you imagined together — all shattered in an instant.
But can a marriage survive infidelity? Is there hope for couples to rebuild after a betrayal that feels like a punch to the gut?
Well, you’re in luck: Dr. John Gottman, a renowned psychologist who’s spent decades studying what makes marriages work (and what makes them fall apart). And spoiler alert: the answer is not as simple as “just forgive and forget.”
Gottman’s research suggests that marriages can survive infidelity, but only under very specific conditions. So, let’s dive in.
Infidelity can feel unsurmountable. The trust, communication, and intimacy that once held things together suddenly seem shattered. But here’s the good news: if your relationship was strong in other areas, there's hope. According to Dr. John Gottman, even after betrayal, a marriage can survive if the foundation was solid enough to start with.
Repair Attempts: Small Gestures, Big Impact
After infidelity, it’s vital that both partners put in effort to repair the damage. Simple actions—like a genuine apology, a comforting touch, or a heartfelt conversation—help rebuild trust and connection. But it’s not enough to say "I'm sorry"; the betrayer must show real remorse, and the betrayed partner needs to see real change, not just hear empty promises.
Turning Toward Each Other
When trust shatters, it’s easy to retreat, to shut down, to wall yourself off emotionally. But Gottman says this is a make-or-break moment. To heal, couples need to turn toward each other, not away. It’s about facing those tough, uncomfortable conversations head-on, even if every part of you wants to run and hide. Healing isn’t about pretending the betrayal never happened; it’s about showing up for each other, even when the pain feels unbearable.
Beware of the Four Horsemen
Now, here’s where things get tricky. According to Gottman, there are four deadly behaviors—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—that can tear a relationship apart. And guess what? After infidelity, these “Four Horsemen” are especially dangerous. If you find yourself falling into these toxic patterns, your relationship is in serious trouble. But the good news is, breaking this cycle is absolutely essential for recovery.
So, can a marriage survive infidelity? Yes, but only with effort, mutual commitment, and a willingness to face the hard work ahead.
Moving Forward: Is It Possible?
So, can a marriage survive infidelity? Here’s the bottom line: it’s possible, but it’s a journey, not a destination. The road to recovery involves rebuilding trust, improving communication, and addressing the underlying issues that led to the betrayal in the first place. It’s about making consistent repair attempts, turning toward each other, and doing the hard emotional work to heal.
And here’s the thing: not all couples will make it. Sometimes the damage is too deep, or the emotional distance too wide. But for those who are willing to roll up their sleeves, face the pain, and commit to the healing process, Gottman’s theory suggests that yes, a marriage can survive—and even thrive—after infidelity.
It’s not about pretending the past didn’t happen. It’s about choosing to face it together, with vulnerability, empathy, and a little bit of humor along the way.
So, if you’re dealing with the aftermath of infidelity, remember: your relationship doesn’t need to be doomed.
A little bit of advice…… ensure that the therapist you choose is Gottman trained!
Sue Morrison
REGISTERED PSYCHOTHERAPIST q,
CERTIFIED ADDICTION COUNSELLOR
White Brick Therapy
289.207.0554
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